2 Sep 2018

Sick Again? Say What? Health Anxiety & Me.

I have decided that as well as the teeth crackling sweet posts I do about beauty products and the watered down ‘life’ updates I also wanted to blog about ‘real’ stuff.

I thought I would start off with my recent health anxiety. Yes, I know everyone hates vomming, but hear me out! I guess it all started a week after I started back at work. You may remember I suffered from the WORST chest infection. I guess living nearly a year with no germs meant I was due a pretty hefty cold! It went on for agesss, like 3 months. My chest hurt, I often couldn’t breathe, I had the worst cough, and I just felt really run down.

Then I got sick one night, the runs (sorry for tmi) and vomiting. I kinda put it down to something I ate or a little bug, etc. But this carried on. I must have had episodes like this about once a week since, with in-between bouts of continuous chronic tummy pain, tiredness and nausea. Not your normal nausea either, I’m talking going 48 hours plus without a morsel crossing my lips.

Fast forward to today and it has seriously left some serious mental scars. I finally went to the doctors about it in which I am undergoing tests after finding a ‘bulge’ in my belly. At the minute it could be anything from ulcerative colitis, even something as simple as IBS, to Ceoeliacs disease but I guess we will just have to see. I mentioned in both my summer goals and my summer life update that I had lost a lot of weight, and that is because I have zero appetite the majority of the time.

I’d like to think I lived life before this pretty happy go lucky. Always washing my hands and gelling them on the occasions I went out.. nothing as militant as I am now; I hate eating out (or even just going out) I plan what I am eating so it doesn’t involve touching it with my hands (no matter how messy!) I hate sharing ANYTHING, and every night I go around with a disinfectant wipe and do everything from the door handles to the remote controls. That includes supermarket trolleys and everything in between.

.. I must look a right loon..

And I worry. Oh! The worry! I worry about Phoebe and James getting sick, and how would I cope?! Funnily enough, I am not worried so much for myself but the people around me! So much so I have given myself exzema. Ok, so clinically this hasn’t been diagnosed yet, and I thought it was just because I had been washing my hands every 5 seconds, but patches of it have started to appear on my body too.

Managing my way through this has been a nightmare. No one really understands, and to be honest? I am embarrassed to tell anyone about it! I sound absolutely crazy! Because I can rationalise it, it can’t be that bad, right? Other days I just want to pack in my job and work from home with my little baby safely by my side, but the reality is that’s not going to happen with a whopping mortgage and bills to pay! And would I feel any better? Probably not as the anxiety is clearly a symptom and not the cause.

Have you ever felt this way?

Leave a comment below if you do suffer from this so I feel a little bit less alone!

Love, Jo
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