30 Dec 2018

You Have Your Happy Ending.

Oh, but how wrong could you have been? Those few words will always haunt me forever more because you really don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. I don't believe in curses or what have you, but I believe that when someone said that to me it meant the beginning of the end.

Anyway, I thought the change in me, my blog, my Instagram etc. Needed some sort of explanation. Being a blogger you are susceptible to living a questionable, and sometimes unrealistic life online. I try not to, but sometimes my completely Instagrammable coffee in the city centre snap is usually uploaded at home when I am in my pjs and Slytherin bed socks.

I am hoping this blog post will be received without criticism, and to all those girls who I haven’t spoken to for years, or never spoken to at all.. I see you. Your incessant nosing on my social media has been noted. If harbouring ‘bad’ news is all you have to live for.. GTF. Seriously.

It’s funny how a relationship breakdown can bring all sorts out of the woodwork.

And before you convince yourself and others that you care, you don’t. Admit it, you are just in it for the gossip.

I want to keep this as brief and to the point as possible, starting with the most important thing; Phoebe of course. She is just as loved as she ever was. In fact, now her mum is a happier person I believe that will benefit her ten fold in the future.

I have always been pretty transparent on how I was treated whilst I was pregnant. Unfortunately, James played his part pretty well in all of it. In the beginning he put immense pressure on me and didn't listen to a word I had to say. He didn't support me when it mattered the most, in fact, he didn't really support me when it came to a lot of things. I was constantly criticised for the things I liked doing i.e blogging, music, even YouTube. It just started with a comment here and there, and in the end it just wore me down. I couldn't tolerate it anymore. He would say it was how I took things, try to make light of it all, but really, when you have had over a year of pointed, and often judgemental comments, it gets old. Fast.

In the end I had to speak out about how I was feeling. One thing I don't take lightly is being treated the way I was, but with that came consequences... It just meant he never forgave me, and after that he made living pretty torturous. It was pretty much a roundabout of nightmares. You know, that one roundabout you dread driving around and you would pretty much do anything to avoid it? Yeah, that! I would have to suffer whilst he lorded each argument over me. I constantly said we had to start getting better somewhere. I guess not?

I begged for counselling, I desperately wanted to make things work, for Phoebe, for us. I even entered into buying a house together because duh! I was completely blinded by his promises of 'We can make this work'. We clearly had problems communicating and understanding what had happened in each others minds. We went a grand total of twice until he felt like all that was happening was that she was just reinforcing my hurt feelings.

Unhelpful at best.

I can honestly, hand on heart say I tried, but things just shut down after that. I tried to organise a holiday, baby free nights, and it just went down like a lead balloon. Any sort of affection was non existent. I would actually have to ask for a cuddle, something that should be available on tap in a loving relationship. However, that would be met with 'Why would I want to do that? I don't like you.' He honestly thought a house was all I needed, but fortunately I am not that materialistic.

Can you honestly imagine how frustrating and upsetting that was?

It completely changed me as a person, and admittedly it did make me difficult to live with. Postnatal depression is a bitch. Even more of a bitch when your partner can't see the warning signs. Call yourself a health professional when depression is only 'in your mind'? Nah! Soz! That doesn't fly with me. My health suffered and I got a bit OCD when it came to cleaning. I just put it down to a lack of control in other areas of my life.

Hey, it happens!

My confidence, dignity and life as it should have been was ripped apart, shredded, weighted, and dropped in the Mersey. Mine and James's relationship was ruined. Granted, that was both our faults with a bit to do with outside influences. Everything was tainted by what we said to each other, and to spend a WHOLE day in each others company towards the end was unheard of. It was a cold, distant and unbearable atmosphere.

But you know what? My friend recently told me; men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotion.

Which couldn't be more true.

Anyway, enough with the heavy salad. What's done is done, right? Serious lessons have been learnt. Like, if you are with someone and you don't tow the line of what they consider as 'normal' behaviour, or they revel in bringing you down, you're basically buggered. Get out! What is important is that Phoebe has parents who completely dote on her, and we make this transition with as much civility as we can.

This article rings true on so many levels. Give it a read yourself  if you are struggling.
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