I Want To Talk About Infidelity.

This part of my story is rarely mentioned, although I think it should be spoken about even if it's particularly hard. I definitely don’t hide it when asked, and usually I am very forthcoming when admitting what I did.

It's such a controversial subject, but really, should it be so stigmatised? I am not so sure anymore. Everyone has their reasons, but let this be known that in no way do I want to justify it, or even glamourise it.

And no, I know what you are thinking. I don't completely condone it.

I used to always be like ‘how' and 'why’ do people cheat on their partners. I am not going to lie, in some cases I was absolutely incredulous. I remember watching Dr. Foster on the BBC and being outraged by the behaviour. I honestly couldn’t comprehend it, but as things took the biggest of downwards turns in my life my understanding of the actions 'improved'?

If you read my previous blog posts you will know that my life kind of spiralled into complete and utter unhappiness and despair. It was over at least 2 years, so believe me, I gave my all in this, and it wasn't a decision I made lightly, or quickly for that matter.

There's young and stupid, and then there is making a measured grown up decision. I felt like I had no other choice.

I would try and talk to my ex partner and he would just dismiss me. I felt like I was being punished and because of that I started to doubt everything about myself, even whether I would ever be loved again.

I talked about splitting up regularly only to be dismissed. I felt like I needed something to really finalise things, to let him know I was serious. I mean, why wasn’t he believing me? Because we had just bought a house? Let me tell you; that house was never a home. I even told him I may like someone else and he just ignored me. Anyone would think that might of spurred on some sort of resolution, but it never did.

I think it is important to remember that there are lots of causes and reasons that might be behind the build up to the act of infidelity. Like I said I have a better understanding of it now, as in, I don’t just look on the surface of one individual case and just presume that they are a bad egg.

It is so easy to be judgemental.

But cheating for me now is often just an expression of deep unhappiness and a feeling of not being able to escape. Obviously I am not applying this rule to say, Towie or Geordie Shore because some people are just rampant and disgusting. However, on reflection, they might be going through some sort of crisis of confidence too..

Cheating can often take on many forms; text messages, dates, to just a one night stand. There's also emotional cheating, and then the actual act. Something so innocent as texting a work colleague your problems could be setting the ground work for later on...

Yep, surprise! I wasn't the guiltiest party in all this.

To everyone else, I am the ogre. The one who did the naughty. Thankfully some people can see past that, past my infidelity. But to anyone else we were perfect. I'd be crying at him, begging for a nice word or two, and it was like this every. single. day. When you just want them to say something, anything! Something had to give in the end.

I don’t regret my decision in the slightest, I have never been happier with my new love. Things aren't perfect in other aspects, but there is now light at the end of this very dark tunnel.  I couldn’t have told my ex anymore than what I did. He wore these ‘my life is perfect because I have this house’ pair of blinkers and could see, but chose to ignore, what was right in front of him.

When someone comes a long and sees a value in you that you thought you had lost, you can't help but fall for that a little bit, and then as time passes, a lot.