What You Do To Survive.

I feel like I am pretty justified in saying I have had a shit few years. I will never say I regret any of my choices because I wouldn't have all that I have now. I mean, I'd quite like my gastro problems to do one, but you know if that's all I'm walking away with after this mess then I will take that. It's just another hurdle I have to overcome.

What's the use in imagining if you just did one thing differently it might have changed the path of what was to come? Honestly, there is no shadow of another world where you chose to not be with a certain someone, or didn't accept that job offer etc.

A tracing paper world. It doesn't exist.

They always say hindsight is a wonderful thing, I think it's just stupid. I feel like I am testament that anyone can land on their feet. I pretty much hit rock bottom in 2016/17 and I have felt like I have been recovering since. There is no quick fix and feeling better doesn't happen overnight. I think once you accept that it takes some of the weight off your already burdened shoulders. Everyone has it in them to fight, you just have to be brave and go for it. Focus on the things that make you happy, if you can surround yourself with people who love you, and if all else fails; distract the heck out of yourself.

I have made it no secret what happened to me and I find it helps to have somewhere to write it down, even if I do get the regular unwelcome visit from my previous's current and her friends and family. Hey gals! Coffee sometime, yeah? One thing that I would like to come out of it, besides the ridiculous and laughable police threats, is if I can help just one person going through something similar then that would make me the happiest clam on earth.

Besides the crippling pre and postnatal depression I'd go to bed alone every night, I'd busy myself with anything just to try and forget my situation. I'd clean the house to an inch of its life to give me something else to think about and go to bed with headphones in and listen to anything that would take me away from where I was. I used to cry myself to sleep and I wasn't a stranger to being called the C bomb. I'd beg for help only to be told I was pretty much on my own. I was constantly trying to keep my family together to only have every time I did completely squashed. Although, in my desperation to make things work I completely missed the signs of emotional infidelity, and only now realise I was just flogging a dead horse. Instead I felt worthless and just not good enough.

Wow. I wouldn't wish where my head was at during that time on my worst enemy.

I have always admitted I wasn't the easiest person to get along with after giving birth, come on! My hormones were all over the place, and with no support from the one person I needed it from most I felt like I was just drowning daily.

Towards the end some mornings when I was on my way to work I would contemplate walking in front of a car, not a fast moving one mind, just to put me in hospital for a few weeks and give me a little bit of respite. I think that was my turning point. Life is too short and too fragile to be thinking things like that, and when I thought it was normal to feel like that I knew something was wrong.

Desperately sad, right?

And if that meant cutting loose dead family weight along the way, so be it. I feel like it was always building up to that anyway. I don't cry about it anymore, wasted tears and all that, and it just doesn't get me that way anymore. I used to be told weekly that I wasn't liked, I wasn't shown any affection at all, and it used to tear me apart inside. Right now? You could call me for all sorts, troll me on Twitter and I swear down the only thing that never fails to tear me up nowadays is Marley & Me.

No matter how bad things get, there is always that light at the end of the tunnel. That light signifies something different to each and every person though, remember; your problems and goal may be something completely different to someone else. Right now we are going through the application process for my dream house in the countryside, a Disney trip is just around the corner, Phoebe is absolutely adored, and I can just breathe easily for the first time in what feels like forever. I am completely supported in everything I do.

See the difference?

But then I could see the light, I knew I was better than all of this, and I knew I could be appreciated for all that I had to offer, even with all my oddities like; Disney, YouTube and blogging. I look back on where I was this time last year and I can't believe how far I've come.

Yes, I still have my down days, days that just burn, and by no means I don't think the fight is over but I am so incredibly strong now. To some I will always be the person who walked away, who apparently had no appreciation for the house I lived in, but just because I couldn't carry on with the way things were doesn't make me weak, unappreciative, or wrong. A 4 bed new build is not, and shouldn't be the epitome of happiness to anyone. I'm finally free, and swear down I will never be treated like that. 

Ever. Again.